Failure, Success and Perfectionism

The enemy likes to attack us where we are weak. And sometimes, they know us better than ourselves. I think depression and a sense of failure or never being good enough has been haunting me on and off for many years. These few days, I was struggling with invisible forces that kept shouting thoughts like "how pathetic that effort is" and "no matter how hard you try you're going to fall short". Others "God's promises give you great expectations that are never met" and "just gear yourself up for the real world, where bad things always happen".

I know there are others who struggle like me. Struggle to discern whether the voices are your own or from the enemy. Struggle to renew and rebuke when you're tired and dissapointed. Struggle to thank God when trouble or dissapointment chokes your heart.

God was saying yesterday, 'Charis where do you stand? Standing in Me , nothing is impossible. You will always have what u need'

Where is the balance of doing your best and letting God do the rest?What is best anyway? At what cost? Should we be proud of the work of our hands even though we know God have the hands anyway?

I love you God. Please be my comfort and counsellor. For your glory ... you desire truth in the inward parts.

Discernment and Malaysia....i'm actually blogging about it

I've just had a most thought-provoking chat with my mom. I don't know why, but the latter half of 2007 has brought much difficult information for me to digest. Issues that are international, spiritual and political.

I believe this season that the Lord has appointed for me is one of patience, honing character and of learning discernment. I've never been particularly strong in discernment. Spiritual or otherwise. however, things have changed. God is pushing me forward.I've always thirsted for wisdom and knowledge. I prayed everyday for it for 2 years, and also for the spiritual gifts related to it. This is wisdom and knowledge in a higher level. Seeing things through God's eyes, I believe, is true discernment.

Just before my exams, I was busily looking up information about famous ministers and ministries around the world. I was curious to see what the public thought of them, how they used their money, and if I personally felt their doctrine or fruits were sound and good. Many questions swirled around my mind as I read many criticisms of well-known ministers. I also observed some questionable behaviours documented, and also the past history of famous tele-evanglists or faith healers or just famous leaders and pastors. I grew more and more uneasy, until God spoke to me through a word to trust Him and not worry myself so much. Still, it was an eye-opener to research all of this. I was wondering, what must one do to not stumble people, yet live to please God not man? How do I know what to believe when I read different things? how do I discern the truth? God just smiled and told me to relax and learn.

Then, the chat with my mom brought to my knowledge a magazine and website called Malaysia Kini, or Malaysia Today. I have not thought about my home country for a long time. It has never been close to my heart, with the exception of the food and cheap shopping. HOME is close to my heart, but only if it's my house with mom and Pa and sisters and church. When i left 5 years ago, it was with a sense of finality: "I don't think this place will ever be my home for a long time".

I'm thinking about malaysia now. And it disturbs me. Why? The conspiracies and the politics that have been going on for the past 50 years or so are creepy. what is the truth? What's reality in that situation?[have a look at this post those interested in politics and those who are malaysians]

http://www.malaysia-today.net/CorridorsPower/2006_05_13_MT_CorridorsPower_archive.htm

The Earthquake prophet said 5 years ago, "that's what you're going to do young lady [carry out the great commission]. You're going to speak the truth with love and grace and people will be drawn to you". Something that has stuck in my spirit because it was the first word of calling from God after I recommited myself to God. It started a string of those words from different preachers. Some, after testing, have proved more sharp than others.

Truth....Grace ....Love....HEAVY WORDS.....

O God. How does one communicate truth? How does one even have truth in one's own inward parts like you want it to be?

Jesus,

You are the way the truth and the life. it's not a cliche....

I was unexpectedly tagged

Hmm....6 weird things. And tagging another 6 weird people to write 6 weird thing about themselves? Mei....Didn't quite expect that from you... haha. Ok, perhaps I'm young too.:P.

1. My stomach is elastic. it EXPANDS for sushi and steak. And expensive steamed fish and tofu. For other generic things....shrink shrink.

2. When I'm ridiculously happy and excited OR tired, I become very very babyish and irritatingly high pitched [even to myself]. I even produce baby sounds. Yes. Nonsense baiscally. So, if anyone has seen me in those moods...err....They don't occur that often...hopefully.

3.My sister, Liz and I have a tradition of watching old videos of ourselves [kids praise and worship] when i'm back home for Christmas. We definitely sing along with 'Donut Man' Integrity Music stuff like "His banner over me is Love" and "Joy is the flag flown high". We combine all of this loud singing with weird scarf flourishes and jumping around the living room.

4.Mom and I have a private joke. We like to quote 'Pride and Prejudices' famous proposal from Darcy to Elizabeth Bennet. Picture me with dramatic arm movements, and I'm on my knees
"IN VAIN HAVE I SUFFERED. THIS WILL NOT DO. MY FEELINGS WILL NOT BE REPRESSED. YOU MUST LET ME TELL YOU HOW ARDENTLY I LOVE AND ADMIRE YOU"

5. I talk with my hands. Had a couple of comments from my oral presentations in uni about this habit too [people like it]I think I talk more with my gestures and nonsense syllables than proper words. Like dear Tendi says, IT'S EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION. Ppl get it. so it's fine.

6. Like Mei, I used to dance around my room to exercise. However, NOT to Nsync. But to Planetshakers!!!. 2 albums in particular, 'My King' and'Phenomena'. Here goes, aerobic moves to"I will praise you, you're everything to me..."

I tag Tendayi, Jos, Jason, Wee Liem, Diana, Dayo....