Thanking God

Torchie challenged us to make a list of things to thank God for.

I'll make a little one first.

I thank God for:

• Being alive and having no major ailments
• Great parents who are godly, non-supestitious, loving and supportive
• Great functional family
• A job that is not heavily affected by the economic down-turn
• Living in a spacious first-world country
• The gifts and talents he has graciously bestowed
• That there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. He does not hold my many failures against me
• The people he has put around me

There are a million other things. That will do for the moment.

Thank God for you people

I feel a little better. Having long walks, and a fun games night with a couple of Eurekans has helped.

Or perhaps I know that it is ok to experience highs and lows after doing so many new things.

Thank you Rach for the prayer and catch ups. Thank you Phil and Sharon for the dinner and the lifts and good will. Thank you Nat for the long chat and the dinner on Friday. She told me she really missed me while I was away. That she was glad I was back.

It was great to know some people missed me while I was away. It's great to know that I matter to someone. That my presence would make a difference in someone's life...especially in their day to day routine. It's easy for people to say you make a difference in their lives, but honestly, if I died today, most people's lives would go on like normal. They might have a jolt for a day or 2, but after that, the presence of Charis is not really indispensable or anything they can't do without. They won't really miss it, to be brutally honest. (Well, I think that only my parents would really care and think often about it. haha. They are my parents after all).

Well, there was one more person that made me feel very much welcome back. You know who you are. Thank you for remembering me during the conference and buying the mp3's for me to listen to. Thank you for fasting and praying for me during the trip. For calling. For messaging to show how glad you were I was back. Thanks. I am quite touched.

Perhaps it's just bittersweet. Because there are those whose call and messages I am waiting for. That will just make my day. But it's not going to happen. I have become....someone that is non-essential in their lives. It takes some getting used to. But not something I haven't faced before.

This too shall pass.

Whinge..

I'm tired of my housemates using the internet quota WEEKS before the deadline due to their incessant watching of online videos and movies. It's annoying the first time, it's frustrating the 2nd time, but after many times, it's a real thorn in the flesh.

I just want my web access to be at a normal speed so I can access Facebook, websites, email, and podcasts at a reasonable speed. I don't use much quota, so I am already paying more than my share each month.

I'm a little tired of people who brush it off and ask for forgiveness but do nothing to change their habits. How much of your life do you want to waste away in front of the tv and computer? Perhaps you're not really sorry. You just want me to smile, brush every irresponsible thing that you do off, and move on like I always do. Because I always love you anyway. Because I always think about your welfare anyway. Because I ache to see you in this place of life. Because I can't do anything about it as it's your lives.

I'm just a little tired.

This too shall pass.

Restless

I'm not really in the mood to blog about Taiwan. In summary, it was full of God-moments and opportunities, and it was amazing to see how God is moving there. The food is excellent. the shopping wonderful. My hosts were so generous and kind. My dad's company really enriching and I learned a lot.

But...yet...

Prophetic words of encouragement have come streaming in right after I returned to Australia. Perhaps God knows how low I am right now. Or how much I am struggling with my next few steps.

I'm struggling to view things with anticipation. If I walk straight ahead, it will be a new beginning. Like the visions describe, the world is my oyster. It's time to take over the world, God's way. Time to expand. Time to be transplanted. God has paved the way. God is holding on to me. Time to jump off the flying fox. Time to let God clear the road. Time to launch ministries and musical careers.

Sounds great.

Except all I can think about is what I'll be losing. 7 years of history...who knows what will happen to it. The earth keeps turning. People change. All the rich friendships and the wide open spaces...the familiarity, the feeling of home. It has taken me years to settle down. I can't believe that I might be leaving again. I faced this possibility for 3 years, but this time, God seems to have orchestrated things so well...Can I not walk ahead?

Another city. Another country. Another church. Another place to live and feel muddled with the culture and transport systems. Another tax system. Another political system.

And a completely Chinese culture. Argh. Can one run away from one's heritage? For some, yes. For me, apparently not. Well, if the Korean missionaries and the Brazilian missionaries can do it, why can't I?

There's an unspeakable feeling of loss and ache in my heart right now. Perhaps it could have been avoided if I had been wiser. But I can't seem to stop looking back, again and again. Reading through old emails throughout the years. Old cards.

I have always ended up saying yes to the call, eventually. I don't know how much more one heart can take though....

Listening to Joanna Wang. Uninspired. Lovely voice...such talent in that voice. But the song writing, production...it's jaded, cynical and depressing. Hmm...

This too shall pass.

Non-stop

Been busy, yet feeling like I'm letting time slip through my fingers.

You've been in my mind, so often. It's been a long time. Why can't I get rid of you, you phantom?

You don't exist anymore.....You're not the person I used to know...

Body is not taking it well. A million things to do and think about. If you're reading, please pray for me. I'm going to fly off for a short trip soon in Taiwan.

On a brighter note, Thank you Phil and Kev for all the running around and all the work. Phil especially this week! I don't know how to pay you back, but when I can I will. And God certainly would too!

And thank you my friends for the birthday dinner Thursday! You know who you are :)

Too normal

Thoughts about a career in the arts:

• Perhaps I am too normal. One shouldn't be too normal if one is artistic and creative. One always sticks out, sometimes like a sore thumb. I think I blend in pretty well with everyone else.
• Been watching MMC videos of Christina, Britney etc.Wow...they were very well - trained when they were young. Christina especially was a heaps good singer! They are used to all the camera lights, the make up, the auditions etc.
• Ivan mentioned before that he thought I was really reserved for a person considering a career in entertainment. I wonder...
• Perhaps I should have gone corporate, gone into anything else that was more ... structured?
• Been really stressed. Sigh.

Wednesday musings

1. I took a new route home today. I'm still challenging myself bit by bit to not do the same old same old each day. It's hard. But I think I need to do this, so that I can go forth in faith and not fear with each step God wants to take me.
2. I wish I offered to give a lift to my colleague. Hope I can gird up enough courage for that next time
3. I was thinking, is it possible to grow a group with friends who have genuine, transparent relationships with you? Or does being 'strategic' always puts distance between friends after a while? Changes always happen, groups grow and multiply, people move on, so ... if one commits to growing groups, perhaps peer friendships are not always easily developed.
4. I need to be practising and doing stuff, but I seem to be constantly tired this week. Hormones are wacked!
5. Taiwan looms in a week. Whew.
6. Tomorrow, birthday dinner from friend! Yay!
7. Tomorrow, long day of work. Boohoo :(
8. I should sleep.