Charismatic

Nursing. Breastfeeding. Something one can only experience as a woman and as a mother. One of the most miraculous things God ever created the body to do.  I haven't been blogging much but I thought a brief write up about my experience nursing Bubby would be worthwhile.  I was fortunate to start off with a lot of support from T and from a very experienced Mom. Also, it helped that most of my muso gal friends were also committed to nursing, and most of them nursed till their kids were 1.5-2 yrs of age.  Bubby was a good feeder from the start. Almost too good. His latch was strong I had to be careful to position him right all the time so I wouldn't get injured. He ate a lot and often, and he has never had any formula milk. The first 2-3 months he would feed for 30-45 mins at a time every 2-3 hours. Unlike most infants that feed often but for short periods of time, he was eating throughout the 30-45 mins. That was how he grew from lanky 3.5kg at birth to being fat 6...

The year has sped by quite fast. By Thursday, Bubby Chou (that's what we call him for the moment) will be 30 weeks. So, we're 7 months along... I hesitate to blog whenever I have the urge to because I don't think I organize my thoughts well, but finally, I'm in front of the computer again. It is 1am and I should be asleep. Most people I've met say that sleeping and waking up early during the pregnancy will help the bub get used to regular sleep times, instead of sleeping late and waking up all through the night.  T and I went to Hokkaido for a week and it was a nice baby-moon. Goodness knows when we will be able to have a proper holiday by ourselves again.  T is the best holiday partner one can have. Good tempered, likes to eat (like me), game to try new things, willing to walk around a lot but he's not an energiser bunny on overdrive like one friend I know (yup KX I'm thinking about you. Whenever I"m sight seeing with KX I always feel like I...

There's been so much and so little going on at the same time. I'm not going to elaborate too much while I'm feeling so frustrated. But it's been about 3 months of many questions, tears and mounting insecurities. Enough to drive someone like me mad.  The straw that snapped my camel's back of spiel of non-blogging was dealing with our current apartment. Perhaps I've been spoilt by living in hotels so often this past 2 years because of touring. But I really do appreciate the break from the dreariness of living in Taipei City with limited funds for so many years. Often, I feel so ashamed of myself for being so 'soft'. Becasue T seems to deal with any kind of living condition and temperature without complaining. I don't complain out loud much because it's pointless, but there's plenty raging on inside. And it's all made worse by the fact that we're expecting a kid. So many things that I can deal with as lone adult are now overwhelming...

莫名其妙飛到聖地亞哥（飛到這兒才知道San Diego 中文叫聖地亞哥） 莫名其妙感覺好難過 難道我有的還不夠嗎？ 愛情，金錢，機會不缺 為何心中還是有莫名其妙的哀傷？為什麼還是會與別人比較？為什麼那麼容易陷入絕望？ （還好這種哀傷也是寫歌的衝動～一口氣就寫了一首芭樂歌....） 主啊，我難過。可是難過得廷開心的。聽起來矛盾嗎？這就是我。情緒矛盾？ 為什麼難過？你最知道。你最懂我。 (诗篇 42:5 ) 我的心啊！你为何沮丧？为何烦躁？要仰望上帝，因为我还要赞美祂——我的救主，我的上帝。

One of those odd moments. I'm halfway through a shower. My hair is doused with 'hair mask' and bunched up in a shower cap. My thrice-coloured hair ends need definitely some regular TLC. My face has some decongestant mask on. I'm listening to a bunch of songs form the 80's. Not my favourite era (full of cheesy synths and an overkill of reverb effects), but there are some good songs in the list.  Preparing for DT's wedding. Yup, my 'boss' is getting married and I have the privilege to be part of the wedding band as the wedding singer. Guess it's time for a person in his 40's to be settling down… His wedding is back to back with Jacob's (a jazz guitarist friend who works in DT's company). And obviously, I have to attend both.  I'm precariously close to turning 30 in a year. Jacob's already there. DT's 'next phase in life' progress was probably slowed down by the entertainment industry (most musos and artists hav...

I have been 'cursed' with 'caring'. I wish I didn't care about so many things, but I do. The craziness online recently about different controversial issues in Taiwan have been rather overwhelming for me. My heart is in a state of grief. Feel burdened almost everyday for the past few weeks.  Haven't said much on Facebook. Haven't expressed too many views. I still believe that it's more beneficial to observe, to listen, to find out more. to compare, to quietly form a well-balanced view with a firm foundation. It's been even more tough than usual for me to wade through all the noise online, because it's all in Chinese. My speed in reading Chinese has improved in leaps and bounds over the past few years, but it's still a million miles behind my English reading.  I have only stated 2 views online: One, I abhor and detest online trolling, anonymous phone threats of violence, and any other underhanded, cowardly way of expressing displeasure...

I have a fortnight's 'breather'. 'Breather' is in quotation marks because the time spent working needs to be productively spent on preparing for more work. Hah. That is why I am still on the computer at 1.30am.  My 'breather' is due to the fact that the Nanchang show for David Tao was unexpectedly cancelled less than a week before the show date. And, I have also finished all my vocal recording for hymnal album (unless there are some backing vocals I have to do). It's quite interesting to myself that I've barely sung any backing vocal parts for this album. A very 'unplugged' way of arranging and recording the music. I have 2 weeks to relax, supposedly. But I've been trying to organize my next few months. Two months. It's a very short time to pump out a full length album. But I'm relishing the process and I'm not too stressed. It's a blessing to be able to have someone provide the funds to record an acoustic hymnal ...

Lord After watching the first Seraphim episode that I was given a chance to work on, I cringed a lot and thank you that it is by Your grace that I am given opportunities to work on such great projects at all. I am really not the best singer, especially when I am busy band-leading and playing piano and keyboard. I was out of tune a lot in the last bits. The quality of my own voice grates on my own ears. But Lord, You are the one who has led me forward, given me favour I didn't earn, and also pushed me out of my comfort zone to learn even more. I think I sing in tune live a little more constantly now after 1 year, Lord. And I can handle bigger arrangements. I am not the best piano player by far, but still, You have made a pathway in the wilderness for me. Thank You. I still cringe at myself. But I will keep trusting that You will lead me on, and I will keep improving. Thank You for being the one who always encouraged me to sing, to play and to write. Thank you for tailori...

Eva, one of the first people I met in Taiwan [on holiday 2009] The meal was her shout. HUGZZ Pesto chicken risotto. It's the yums! Fettucine with prawns and cream sauce Mojito - <3 my cocktails Layered cake Feeling so much better today. Thank God for friends who remind you of God's grace in beautiful ways.  One of the reasons I love my church is because it's full of people who understand and dispense God's grace. I've never heard condemnation and accusations. I've never heard my church friends around criticize other christians [though I've heard other ppl from other churches do it]. I hear honest feedback if one needs to change and grow. But they exude grace, love and authenticity.  I was whining to Eva today about how success seems to comes so easily for some people, and they don't seem to need to try very hard at all (e.g. mainly thinking about a pair of twins). Recently, one of them got married, an...

...is part and parcel of this industry or even ministry.  A few incidents stand out. Last year, I remember being asked to sing lead vocals 2 songs for a Christian album. I wasn't feeling too comfortable about it, because the keys were on the high side. But the producer said that it wasn't possible to change the key of the song, because this was the key the church wanted to sing in. After finishing one session for them, the producer called me and said I was not needed for the other song. The church felt that my voice was not 'church' enough. It was too 'pop' for them. Whatever that meant.  When the CD was finally done (and a copy was given to me. Free CD's are generally given to people involved in the album), I saw that they had supplemented the track I sang on with another male lead vocalist. It was obvious that I had been found wanting.... It stung. Although it was never my ambition in any way to be a 'church'-ey singer, it still stung when people...

I get a little worried when songs that have been trending are tracks like these:  Far East Movement are an Asian-American group. I have a lot of respect for them in a business sense, and also to some extent, musically. However, I wonder if the lifestyle and the values they are consciously AND unconsciously spreading around is the best thing for their sphere of influence. I was going to post Nicki Minaj's latest video called 'Stupid Hoe'. It was released yesterday, I think. But I was thinking that my parents read this blog and they would be probably be disgusted by the video. Heh. so i decided to post this video of Sophia singing 'Super Bass'. It's a great single, catchy and full of fun. And Sophia is a phenomenally talented and charismatic little 8-year-old.  But... 'Super Bass' lyrics....have you ever checked them out? Granted, Sophia isn't much aware of what she's singing. But still.... How does one create great art, that speaks tru...

Life has too many of them. One really doesn't end up where one expects. I have been evaluating my current situation, and the people around me. 6 months earlier, I would have been astounded if you showed me some of the pictures of myself now. Of the people who are now close friends. Of the things I am doing. Yet it wasn't where I was headed 6 months ago.

How does one manage to have a thick skin in the workplace and yet remain open, vulnerable and loving at the same time? How does one remain sweet and feminine; yet strong, ambitious, motivated and resilient at the same time?  Of late, most people have told me that they would use, "Independant, self-sufficient, strong, reserved, in-control, tough, strict, focused, intelligent, 'knows-what-she-is-talking-about, professional" to describe their initial impression of me. For what I have to handle at work, that might not be a bad thing. But I'm wondering if I know how to switch this persona off anymore. I'm wondering if this persona is even right.  As a female, I think we are at our best when we are vulnerable and open...and sweet [not the sugary sweetness, but a sweetness of spirit]. But it's really hard to be vulnerable to a bunch of people you haven't known for a long time. I remember a leader telling me when I was still kind of naive and sweet and trusting ...

A little cliched to blog on Steve Jobs today (the whole of FB is buzzing with R.I.P. Steve Jobs), but I thought I'd jot these down. Do what you love - Life is too short for living someone else's dream Put a dent in the universe - The power of vision Connect things to spark your creativity - People with a broad set of experiences can often see things that others miss. Connect ideas from completely different fields. Say no to 1000 things - Eliminate everything not necessary. Innovation comes from saying no to many things. Innovation can sometimes just mean simplicity. What can we remove? Create insanely different experiences - Enrich lives Master the message - communicate your idea. be a story teller. Inform, education, inspire. Think visually. Picture superiority. Sell dreams, not products - Customers care about themselves and their hopes, dreams and ambitions. Not about your product.  Dream bigger. 

Being involved in worship projects can be pressurizing. It causes you to question yourself again and again what worship is trully about. I've been working hard on about 8-9 arrangements of songs for Saturday's worship recording. It's the first of its kind in Taiwan. A lot of effort and time has been spent on the production, the visuals, the arrangements. We've had a couple of meetings to sort out details, choose the songs, choose the band etc. I'm honoured to be part of something creative that glorifies God.  But little niggly thoughts float by, disturbing me and making me think even more. During band practices, I deal with mostly guys. Well, the band is all male, and there is only one other female singer. I'm the band leader, and I've been directing most of the rehearsals. It's a tough job, especially when the band is this big: 11 of us, instead of the normal 4-5. How does one balance being efficient and professional with being gracious and encouragin...

Haha. I wish I could write a more poetic title. Something less crude. But I've just been reflecting on my own leadership style and contributions to music teams. I think I am not a natural 'leader'. I prefer not to take charge of EVERY work/ministry situation I am in. In fact, most of the time, if you need to me to do something specific, I'll do it without to many questions asked, or disagreements. Because I have found questions/ disagreements futile in many situations [particularly in life-groups, bands and worship teams]. Why? People might not have the musical/adminstrative ability to do what you would prefer them to do People might have be stuck in that groove for the past 10 years. To change it will take more than 1-2 practices I'm not in a position of a authority to change anything. So just do what the leader says. People might not particularly welcome a new person overhauling everything.  Musical arrangements, or administrative plans can range from s...

Every once in while, there are those ppl who see your soul's depths.  They cherish and caress what they see there...and bless your life.  Thank you.... 今天我和Eva碰面～～每一次有機會和她碰面和聊天都覺得很恩典，很被祝福。 上帝都會固定讓我碰到一些天使：以前在澳洲有Nat和Rach的陪伴。她們的友誼和接納都讓我有能力渡過破碎的難關。上帝通過這些管道恢復了我，醫治我。現在我身邊有像柔柔，Eva 和 Sophie 的好姊妹。如果少了她們，我很有可能早就已經崩潰！女人還是需要可以一起分享生命的女性朋友, 尤其是屬靈的伙伴。 最感動的是，Eva說上帝有告訴她，“佳靈需要聊天，或需要人陪伴的時候，你就盡量陪她聊～”。 難怪我都覺得Eva很樂意付出時間聽我的心聲。她也說，她早已經看出來我內心的一些掙扎和自己給自己的壓力和綑綁。可是上帝也吩咐她不要叫我改這個，改哪個，而上帝想親自讓我sense到這些問題。 上帝的timing到了，他就會醫治我，恢復我。Eva的角色只是hear me out~~支持我，為我代禱。 那时，我就深深的感受天父爸爸了解我～他真的知道我的需要。他在供应我～他是一位在意我的感受的神。我......只需要讓他愛我，領受他的愛。沒想到領受神的愛以及身邊朋友的愛也那麼難～我這幾年想小心一點兒，哪知會極端地維護自己，不想太愛人，也不想別人太親近我的內心～ 天父爸爸，我要再次敞開自己的心，接受你的恩典，接受你的愛，接受你的恩寵！！！我是你的寶貝！我宣告：我是你的最愛！你目中的童人！

I am not a person who has ever been very comfortable in my own skin. Identity has always been a source of great struggle for me. The different facets of being Malaysian, being Chinese, being Oriental....they've always 'bothered' me. Of course, there are so many other sub-cultures...growing up in a Northern Malaysian Chinese culture, "Keat Hwa" school culture, volleyball team culture, orchestra culture etc. Then, there is Christianity and the all the millions of subcultures around the faith. Thinking about them makes me grow dizzy. I'd rather not.  There's a lot of tension or be in a melting pot of cultures. What makes it worse: my tendency to really want EVERYBODY to like me. People pleaser. I try to be everything and I try to be cool. And usually, it doesn't work. I meant to post about this ages ago, but I was too lazy to unravel all these complicated thoughts. Watching this video today made the tangle of thoughts about identity resurface again....

I give myself these 4 years to do a few things. These things are reasonably within my control.  Release 2 Mandarin albums, whether mainstream or indie Release 2 English albums, whether mainstream or indie Write a book of short stories (English) and get published Sign a songwriter publishing deal and sell melodies Learn how to use Logic Pro properly Do the short story/song project with Jasmine Release a music video per album Work towards being a respectable jazz player. Blues, bebop,  Play acoustic guitar to the extent of being able to play for church and for folky songs. Be comfortable on it.  Get a potential mate to date 

This has got to be one of the most...depressing lead-ups to my birthday. I've never felt too iffy about my birthday or age in my life. This is probably the first year that the fear of 'aging' has made itself apparent in my psyche. I don't know if it's because I hit 25 last year [in an industry that worships youth], or it's because I'm in a country that has really rigid ideas of youth and beauty [fair, wrinkle-free, VERY skinny], or because my biological clock is ticking, or because I'm starting to feel the effects of aging [dark circles+spots that won't go away, a knee that creaks, back and shoulders that are continuously knotted, flab etc]. These few months have not been pleasant.  I've felt more stuck and pressured than I've felt for a long time. I'm a person that thrives on any kind of progress and productivity, and feeling stuck affects me heavily. I seem to be walking in circles, always trying and often failing to answer the same q...