Charismatic

The year has sped by quite fast. By Thursday, Bubby Chou (that's what we call him for the moment) will be 30 weeks. So, we're 7 months along... I hesitate to blog whenever I have the urge to because I don't think I organize my thoughts well, but finally, I'm in front of the computer again. It is 1am and I should be asleep. Most people I've met say that sleeping and waking up early during the pregnancy will help the bub get used to regular sleep times, instead of sleeping late and waking up all through the night.  T and I went to Hokkaido for a week and it was a nice baby-moon. Goodness knows when we will be able to have a proper holiday by ourselves again.  T is the best holiday partner one can have. Good tempered, likes to eat (like me), game to try new things, willing to walk around a lot but he's not an energiser bunny on overdrive like one friend I know (yup KX I'm thinking about you. Whenever I"m sight seeing with KX I always feel like I...

There's been so much and so little going on at the same time. I'm not going to elaborate too much while I'm feeling so frustrated. But it's been about 3 months of many questions, tears and mounting insecurities. Enough to drive someone like me mad.  The straw that snapped my camel's back of spiel of non-blogging was dealing with our current apartment. Perhaps I've been spoilt by living in hotels so often this past 2 years because of touring. But I really do appreciate the break from the dreariness of living in Taipei City with limited funds for so many years. Often, I feel so ashamed of myself for being so 'soft'. Becasue T seems to deal with any kind of living condition and temperature without complaining. I don't complain out loud much because it's pointless, but there's plenty raging on inside. And it's all made worse by the fact that we're expecting a kid. So many things that I can deal with as lone adult are now overwhelming...

莫名其妙飛到聖地亞哥（飛到這兒才知道San Diego 中文叫聖地亞哥） 莫名其妙感覺好難過 難道我有的還不夠嗎？ 愛情，金錢，機會不缺 為何心中還是有莫名其妙的哀傷？為什麼還是會與別人比較？為什麼那麼容易陷入絕望？ （還好這種哀傷也是寫歌的衝動～一口氣就寫了一首芭樂歌....） 主啊，我難過。可是難過得廷開心的。聽起來矛盾嗎？這就是我。情緒矛盾？ 為什麼難過？你最知道。你最懂我。 (诗篇 42:5 ) 我的心啊！你为何沮丧？为何烦躁？要仰望上帝，因为我还要赞美祂——我的救主，我的上帝。

THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I SERIOUSLY HATE BEING ON A BUDGET! I HATE TRYING TO SAVE AND COUNT EVERY CENT WHEN I NEED TO FLY IN AND OUT! I HATE LIVING IN A PROVINCIAL CITY WHERE THE FLIGHTS TO AND FROM THE CAPITAL ARE SO INCONVENIENT AND INFREQUENT! RAGE!

A little rant.  I'm tired of watching my weight.  I'm tired of being so conscious of flab.  I'm tired of feeling like a failure because I don't have abs. I'm not the TV/video/photo friendly 45 kilos.  I'm not size zero. I wasn't born with size zero genes.  It's not right that it should bother me so much but it does.  Almost everyone here tells me the same thing. If I want to release my music and start promoting it, I need to lose weight. I need to lose at least 5 kilos ( which will still not bring me to the magic 45 kilos).  I don't know how to lose 5 kilos without being terribly moody and hungry.  I will probably need to exercise 2 hours a day, and cut my calorie intake to 1000 and 1500 alternatively a day. And absolutely no desserts, no fatty food, no sleeping late.  The thing is, if I was an athlete, I'd be motivated to adhere to a strict diet and regime, no problem. Because my work is physical, and I see t...

Annoyed. That is putting it mildly.  I will preface this post by announcing that I am ranting. If you don't want read rants then maybe you should skip this post. I hate being taken for granted. I try very hard not to take what everyone does for granted because I don't live by 'entitlement' unless it is I'm already guaranteed something by a promise, a law, or by earning it.  A lot of people have pulled favours for me in Taiwan along the way. It's been 2 years of a lot of grace from people. But I don't take it for granted. I don't assume it's going to happen. In fact, I don't assume any of it would last or happen a second time. I only have an expectant hope that God will look after me no matter what happens around here. But the WAY He decides to look after me is really up to Him. I pretty much think I don't have much of a say in this matter.  I was asked to play for a wedding of the son of an important person in church. He and hi...

Bad English. Bad title. Ah! I haven't been posting properly for a while. What prompted this post? Well, I have been somewhat annoyed by my Facebook peeps. It seems like a picture really says more than a thousand words. I'm trying really hard to build a fan-base, share my videos and music with people etc. And it seems really tough to get anything going viral. However, if it's a picture, you can still can 50 likes a day with no effort at all. No sharing. No responding to feedback. It all just comes rollllling in. Post a PRETTY picture of yourself. BINGO! Post a PRETTY picture of yourself + GREAT food = DOUBLE BINGO! Perhaps commenting on pictures is faster, less time-consuming(than clicking on video links) and more fun for those who are usually online. But it frustrates me that heavily narcissistic 'picture-posters' can actually generate revenue [enough to live on very comfortably] whereas there are not that many people (in general) who value substantial co...

...is part and parcel of this industry or even ministry.  A few incidents stand out. Last year, I remember being asked to sing lead vocals 2 songs for a Christian album. I wasn't feeling too comfortable about it, because the keys were on the high side. But the producer said that it wasn't possible to change the key of the song, because this was the key the church wanted to sing in. After finishing one session for them, the producer called me and said I was not needed for the other song. The church felt that my voice was not 'church' enough. It was too 'pop' for them. Whatever that meant.  When the CD was finally done (and a copy was given to me. Free CD's are generally given to people involved in the album), I saw that they had supplemented the track I sang on with another male lead vocalist. It was obvious that I had been found wanting.... It stung. Although it was never my ambition in any way to be a 'church'-ey singer, it still stung when people...

Been running low on love. Especially for myself. That's really not good. Because I tend to treat other people like I treat myself. If I bash myself up, I start bashing other people up too [figuratively]. If I see the world through dark lenses, that really doesn't benefit anyone. I admit. I'm a little weary of fending for myself. Feeling like my progress depends on how hard I work...and hating it when I feel weak, helpless and unmotivated to do anything useful. I don't really want my destiny to depend on me. That's terribly scary because I'm soooo weak and 'useless' sometimes.  God's been speaking a lot about being honest with my own self and not ignoring my emotions. To honour  myself. When bad things happen, I need to face them squarely and acknowledge the emotion, whether it's annoyance, sadness, fatigue, hate, bitterness, joy, hurt etc. Then I need to give it to God. Commit all these emotions to God.

 哥林多前書 9：24－27   24  豈 不 知 在 場 上 賽 跑 的 都 跑 ， 但 得 獎 賞 的 只 有 一 人 ？  你 們 也 當 這 樣 跑 ， 好 叫 你 們 得 著 獎 賞 。   25  凡 較 力 爭 勝 的 ， 諸 事 都 有 節 制 ， 他 們 不 過 是 要 得 能 壞 的 冠 冕 ；  我 們 卻 是 要 得 不 能 壞 的 冠 冕 。   26  所 以 ， 我 奔 跑 不 像 無 定 向 的 ； 我 鬥 拳 不 像 打 空 氣 的 。   27  我 是 攻 克 己 身 ， 叫 身 服 我 ， 恐 怕 我 傳 福 音 給 別 人 ， 自 己 反 被 棄 絕 了  暫時找不到毅力～還蛮辛苦的。真的 覺得自己太容易動搖或猶豫不決。 要在哪裡找到 可以讓自己走下去的 力量而且又不讓自己妥協原來的異像？

Sometimes, I just want simplicity. I want the highway. The direct way. Just write, sing, play and be content. Instead I'm told to aim higher. To aim to change the world. To shape culture. Me? Sigh.

如果一个人觉得他／她和我之间的友谊是个羞耻或应该隐瞒的一件事，就干脆不要做朋友吧！ 浪费我的时间～ Some people are so uptight, it's like they have a perpetual wedgie.

Can't believe I feel stretched and it's only February.  Traveling a lot is really no joke. In the past year, I've flown in and out of Taiwan 5-6 times, been to Singapore twice, Australia once, and flew/bussed domestically around Malaysia A LOT. Oh, I've also toured around the different cities in Taiwan.  The Word says those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. That is what I need to do for the next few days, even when I return to Taipei on Thursday. I also need to eat properly, sleep early and exercise.  It's been an interesting trip back. Update more about it later

有些人真矛盾！ Law of attraction: You will attract what you are 假如你要一位屬靈的配偶，你也要是一位屬靈的人。 有些人自己不想盡心盡力追求神的話， 又想和屬靈的人在一起。 那不是很矛盾嗎？

Sistas in purple. Chinese New Year finery. Family with Grandma It's good to be back where it's not freezing and damp x100000000000. I don't mind the cold but I detest the rain.  Kedah state is at its hottest at the moment. Another type of unbearable. But in my house, it's fairly cool. And there's always air-conditioning if it hits 35 degrees and above. I've been having a lot 'tussle' conversation with Dad and Mom. It's such a mind-bloggling thing to try to be an artist. To start a brand. To start any form of business or entreprenuer-like activity. I'm freaking out and frequently asking myself why I'm bringing so much stress to myself and my family. But I remind myself that God is for me, and He set me on this path. He will guide me, though often I am not still enough to hear  His voice.  I just have this nagging feeling that if I settle for less, then somehow I'm missing how. I desperately want to let all the potential that God has...

I was listening to Kris Valloton's podcast called 'The Marrying Kind'. He and his wife sound so sweet together, though they are grandparents already. I must confess that as I grow older I'm slightly more cynical about this whole marriage and being with a soulmate thing. Don't know if in my heart of hearts that I believe in everlasting love among humans anymore.... I mean, God is God... He will last forever. But everything else is transient, so they tell me.  The more people or rather 'potentials' I meet, it's like my shell hardens just a little more. I know I'm still pretty young. Don't know why I should be jaded or cynical about it, especially when my parents and some of my older friends seem to have pretty happy and long-lasting marriages. Somehow I wonder if I have enough faith to believe that God will provide, even though Eph 3:20 says [and every preacher quotes]  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, acc...

It's chaos in Brisbane right now. Funny how my world still somewhat revolves around Brisbane because of how many adult-life-long friends I have there. Well, they are all practically there. The friends that I've made in the 6 years I spent in Brisbane. Uni friends, church family, work colleagues... Half of my Facebook ppl come from Brisbane or previously lived in Brisbane. Therefore, everyone is buzzing about the flood and the panic that is sweeping over Queensland. Praying for the rains to stop and the floods to recede. And about admiration anxiety...I was chatting with a pal. And he coined this term for me. Admiration Anxiety = Being dismissive and suspicious of admiration and compliments from anyone. Basically holding a cynical view point about people who admire me because I'm suspicious of anything that smacks of hero worship. It made me think. Hmm. Maybe. I'm so anxious to be real and authentic and I KNOW the crazy amount of flaws and weaknesses and ugliness I ha...

My pathway in music and the creative arts is constantly 'guided' or in a way 'hampered' by whether or not my product will stumble/offend people[mainly Christians] or offend God.  On the other side of the fence is the commercial market...what's the point of trying to make a living out of music if no one will buy it? It has to sell...somehow.  Sometimes, it is wisdom. Sometimes, it's a prison.  Oh! I LONG to be free to say and write and sing whatever I feel or think. But it seems rather impossible at this moment. Too many inhibitions. Fears. To some extent, despite her obviously kooky sometimes almost evil stance, I envy crazy people like Lady Gaga. They are free to be crazy, ugly, truthful, fantasy-oriented and everything they want to be if they conceptualize it.  I'm a little weary. I haven't even plunged into the deep end yet. In 2009 I decided to get all my swimming gear ready. In 2010, I stepped into the pool but I've only splashed around the ...

Check out Sting's gem of a song HERE . Jazz lovers would also appreciate Branford Marsalis's gorgeou-licious saxophone lines!! Lyrics:  "Englishman in New York" I don't drink coffee I take tea my dear I like my toast done on one side And you can hear it in my accent when I talk I'm an Englishman in New York See me walking down Fifth Avenue A walking cane here at my side I take it everywhere I walk I'm an Englishman in New York I'm an alien I'm a legal alien I'm an Englishman in New York I'm an alien I'm a legal alien I'm an Englishman in New York If, "Manners maketh man" as someone said Then he's the hero of the day It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile Be yourself no matter what they say I'm an alien I'm a legal alien I'm an Englishman in New York I'm an alien I'm a legal alien I'm an Englishman in New York Modesty, propriety can lead to notoriety You could end up as the only one...

The luscious grapes you want are always one step out of reach.... The random other fruits you don't want tumble on your head and mess up your hair all the time....it's super annoying. Rad. I'm being sarcastic. But it's been an interesting week