Annoyed

Annoyed. That is putting it mildly. 

I will preface this post by announcing that I am ranting. If you don't want read rants then maybe you should skip this post.

I hate being taken for granted. I try very hard not to take what everyone does for granted because I don't live by 'entitlement' unless it is I'm already guaranteed something by a promise, a law, or by earning it. 

A lot of people have pulled favours for me in Taiwan along the way. It's been 2 years of a lot of grace from people. But I don't take it for granted. I don't assume it's going to happen. In fact, I don't assume any of it would last or happen a second time. I only have an expectant hope that God will look after me no matter what happens around here. But the WAY He decides to look after me is really up to Him. I pretty much think I don't have much of a say in this matter. 

I was asked to play for a wedding of the son of an important person in church. He and his fiancee are sweet and simple, but everyone is making a big fuss over their wedding just because the guy is the son of an important person. I agreed to help out although I did not know them well.  In fact, some elders I am close to here offered my services without even asking me. I am somewhat used to this, but it is starting to annoy me as the wedding comes closer. 

Firstly, I was scheduled to play piano for the wedding itself. Which was perfectly fine until I realised the program was long and elaborate [unnecessarily so, because it was according to the wishes of the couple]. And also, the elders said, "Well, Charis can arrange, so let's pull in as many instruments as possible and have them arrange for them". Some of them on the DAY of the rehearsal. For me, that was already a,"WHAT the??" Do we really need a guitar, bass, drums, trumpet, cello, piano, flute AND violin for a simple wedding? 

I was really stressed trying to arrange all the scores and get all the songs in order. Band-leading is tough work for me, even though it is one of the things I am known to do well here in Taiwan. I am very focused on the job, and very aware of band dynamics, and I follow structure that I set initially to the T [unless it's an improvisational gig which has no need for a band leader]. I communicate effectively to get the sound that I want. Usually. Because in many situations, I try not to step into a role of band leadership. Why? it is STRESSFUL for me. It's way easier to play your instrument and not care too much about what everyone else should or should not be doing. If it sounds bad, well, as long as I did the right things, it's not my fault. But as band leader, every mistake can be attributed to me as well.

Hence, there have been many times where I have had big projects to lead, and I can't sleep for days thinking of arrangements and most importantly, how to effectively communicate to the players in the most efficient manner without wasting anyone's time. I brood 24 7 on the rundown, and how to make things run smoothly. Literally 24 7. From the time I start working on a project to when I finish, I usually can think of nothing else. 

Back to the reason I am very annoyed. Suddenly, I receive an email saying that my elders are volunteered me for the night reception as well. I was a little ticked off, because I wasn't asked and I did not say yes. 

But when I discussed this with them, they shrugged it off as something small. They assumed that I would need the job and the money [which I don't know how much it would be as it is a 'ministry' kind of gig].  I do need some money. Jobs have not been a plentiful at this stage. But I do need respect too. 

Anyway, I agreed to playing for the reception, and to their rehearsal date. However, during the rehearsal, I was suddenly loaded with the responsibility of being band leader again. I did not put up my hand, but they kept asking me to work out chord charts for the rest of the musicians. That's not just a little bit of work. Especially when some songs haven't been finalised. Why should I be the one to do it when I am just the keyboardist that did not even put up her hand for anything, including this night gig?

To top it all off, today, the elders messaged me about an extra rehearsal at the hotel next week. It was on a day that I already scheduled a recording session for my album. They told me to change it. I told them that other people are involved and also the studio was already booked. They were still adamant about me changing my recording session dates just because I was the keyboardist and I needed to be there. I stood my ground and refused. And now they are acting like I am the spoiled brat who isn't cooperating with them when they weren't organised enough in the first place to fix up my dates.

I have spent the whole night fuming, trying to answer them when they are messaging me and telling me to change my schedule, and trying to think of ways to solve this whole thing.

HECK! Do you think it's that easy to get people's dates to coincide??? I spend hours and hours in a week calling, scheduling and messaging so that my album gets worked on and other projects get looked after. You think you can just barge into my life anytime and expect me to say yes? I respect people in ministry and the industry enough to book them months in advance for many things. 

I still don't quite know if I should give in change my dates or not. 

It's not even like the people getting married are my best friends or even good friends. 

It's a whole load of obligation because my elders given me a lot of favours over the last 2 years, but also a lot of assumptions. 

I hate feeling indebted to anyone. (Disclaimer: These are purely my thoughts andemotions, not facts and truth)That's why sometimes I feel like, if God gives me grace, he might be expecting some obligatory gesture from me in a later stage which I can't argue with because I owe Him. Geez, I'll always owe Him so what can I do? 

Sigh. Enough ranting. I'm sick. I should sleep.