Being involved in worship projects can be pressurizing. It causes you to question yourself again and again what worship is trully about.
I've been working hard on about 8-9 arrangements of songs for Saturday's worship recording. It's the first of its kind in Taiwan. A lot of effort and time has been spent on the production, the visuals, the arrangements. We've had a couple of meetings to sort out details, choose the songs, choose the band etc. I'm honoured to be part of something creative that glorifies God.
But little niggly thoughts float by, disturbing me and making me think even more. During band practices, I deal with mostly guys. Well, the band is all male, and there is only one other female singer. I'm the band leader, and I've been directing most of the rehearsals. It's a tough job, especially when the band is this big: 11 of us, instead of the normal 4-5. How does one balance being efficient and professional with being gracious and encouraging? So far, in the name of professionalism I have never lost my temper at work. But it's still a stretch to be encouraging AND efficient. Producer trusts me to communicate effectively, which seems to be ok so far. But I feel like being band director is sometimes a thankless job. Everyone else is the star but all the hard work is done by me. THEN, I think but this is worship. It is supposed to be for the audience of one? Surely not for the gaze and adoration of man....
I tell myself, "God sees it all the late nights, the wracking of the brain to think of good arrangements, the struggle to meet deadlines, the struggle to be patient with difficult personalities in the band."
I'm ashamed to say it sometimes bothers me that the camera will zoom into the lead vocalists, who generally don't have so tough a job as everyone else. The camera will feature the guitarists, who need constant checks so that they stay in time, or don't play too much. All that work: arranging, directing, playing, singing, and I don't think people will see, or really hear me. It niggles me. It niggles me more when I think that perhaps I'm not that spectacular. That's why people don't notice. Just adequate and competent for some of the jobs I take on.
THEN i think, hey hey...this is worship. Since when is worship about how competent we are, or how much camera time we have? Worship...kissing the hand of God, is about looking up. About bowing down. About adoring Him.
Whether anyone remembers what I did, or looked like, will not matter in this project. As long as I've offered my best to the Lord, and He's happy with the offering, then that is the best reward I can get.
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