Sticks and stones

How does one manage to have a thick skin in the workplace and yet remain open, vulnerable and loving at the same time? How does one remain sweet and feminine; yet strong, ambitious, motivated and resilient at the same time? 

Of late, most people have told me that they would use, "Independant, self-sufficient, strong, reserved, in-control, tough, strict, focused, intelligent, 'knows-what-she-is-talking-about, professional" to describe their initial impression of me. For what I have to handle at work, that might not be a bad thing. But I'm wondering if I know how to switch this persona off anymore. I'm wondering if this persona is even right. 

As a female, I think we are at our best when we are vulnerable and open...and sweet [not the sugary sweetness, but a sweetness of spirit]. But it's really hard to be vulnerable to a bunch of people you haven't known for a long time. I remember a leader telling me when I was still kind of naive and sweet and trusting of everyone [at 17-18] that I needed to be wiser and less trusting. I guess I am now. I have brought my expectations and trust of leaders, friends, lovers down, sometimes I think to a dangerously low level. I don't  feel like anyone owes me me a favour. I don't expect help. I don't expect love, especially a committed sort of love. In my experience, people are in your life for different seasons. They love you or help you for different seasons, but that love or help usually fades when you move on to a different season [or they do].

I'm still a softie inside in some spots. I deal with a lot of people who say a lot of stupid things sometimes. Recently someone told me to lose weight again. To eat less. I think he didn't really know he was being rather untactful. It stung me more than I thought it should, especially from someone that I'm not particularly close or familiar with. 

Recently someone else said I was unsuited for commercial music and I should 'wake up' from this delusion of trying to 'make it'. I mentioned this to my producer, and he laughed it off, saying, "Comments from someone like him affect you?? What has HE done to qualify him to say anything?"

But still, it stung, and it still stings. It's the most vulnerable part of my psyche. I DO worry that I'm not good enough. That I'm being delusional about my abilities or suitability. I DO worry that I'm on a wild goose chase and that I'll end up with nothing. 

And recently, a good friend said a few things here and there that hurt my ego. He's still on the young side, and likes making jokes. Control over his tongue is not his best point. The very fact that we're pretty good mates probably encourages him to be more free with his jokes. But still, jokes about me not 'respecting my elders' in front of my producer, or about me not being pretty are not that funny to me. But they are so trivial in most people's books. 

If I mention that I'm hurt, people laugh at me and tell me to get a thicker skin, especially in this industry.

People have told me this years ago. And so I have complied, and worked to get a thicker skin. Thicker and thicker by the day.

Where's the balance? Can't be needy or too much of softie or people will tell you to depend on God and grow up. "You don't need anyone but God" "Get a thicker skin" "Can't depend on people's affirmation, it will kill you".  "Only God can satisfy you". (I do wonder if the 'only God can satisfy you' thing is practical in the natural. If there's only God working on a garden, it's usually woefully full of weeds and overgrown plants. If there's 'only God' raising a baby, it dies pretty quick unless angels come and feed it or something)

Can't be too independant, or people will say "God wants us interdependant". "We need to admit that we need love and we need people", "Too much independance is a form of selfishness".

Feels like I can't win ever. Sigh.