This has got to be one of the most...depressing lead-ups to my birthday. I've never felt too iffy about my birthday or age in my life. This is probably the first year that the fear of 'aging' has made itself apparent in my psyche. I don't know if it's because I hit 25 last year [in an industry that worships youth], or it's because I'm in a country that has really rigid ideas of youth and beauty [fair, wrinkle-free, VERY skinny], or because my biological clock is ticking, or because I'm starting to feel the effects of aging [dark circles+spots that won't go away, a knee that creaks, back and shoulders that are continuously knotted, flab etc].
These few months have not been pleasant. I've felt more stuck and pressured than I've felt for a long time. I'm a person that thrives on any kind of progress and productivity, and feeling stuck affects me heavily.
I seem to be walking in circles, always trying and often failing to answer the same questions. Who am I(musically)? Why can't I find a niche? Why must I feel the urge to be super-woman/super-muso when I am NOT? What do I REALLY want to achieve? Are my goals defined and clear? Where's the motivation to run the race? What is God going to be happy with? What was His blueprint in the first place? Am I walking right? Am I not doing something right? Why can't I have a better work ethic? Why am I just watching time slip by silently like grains in a sand-glass?
Internally, my productive self is SCREAMING at the rest of me. MOVE! DO SOMETHING? ANYTHING? WHY ARE YOU JUST sitting there, crying, or numb? Or in denial?
I have a hard time believing the future will be better than the past sometimes.
My to-do list is endless. Like today. Laundry. Cooking. Grocery-shopping and then fretting internally about the lack of enough cash lately. Editing scores for the big concert on Thursday. Editing bios for the concert in July. Worrying about my plane tickets for July that I need to book [I seriously need a personal assistant]. Thinking about management and my website, and how I should launch it, and wondering if I've made the best use of management. My accounts are so ridiculously behind that I don't know where to start. My 20-song demo is far from being done. And that Keat Hwa arrangement I have to do despite trying to get it off my plate BUGS my brain. My lyricists are not giving me the lyrics I need. I'm not writing the hooks that I should. I need to practise. My chops are so rusty.
O God. Really. Un-'stick' me please.
Comments
ah, i've been feeling like this the most since i left my job last Jan...but every year, birthdays are like this for me...
if only we could bunch together to start something...but our paths are probably quite different huh? maybe down the track though. you know? write something together? do a video with you singing, me putting some words in, us talking...for change in this world...mmm...
I pray we will both find direction, clarity, passion, drive, love, settledness/fulfilment in God for every stage of our lives.
thanks for being my lil sis!