I have discovered something about myself. I really find it hard to accept people for who they are, especially if who they are makes me hurt or uncomfortable. One of the primary reasons is: TADA, I don't like staying as who I am either. I'm not satisfied with status quo. I want to keep moving. That's a good thing. But it's a bad thing when it's applied to everyone besides me. That I cannot control.
Boundaries has taught me: I am responsible for myself. I cannot control my emotional reactions, but I can continue their continuity, or the actions that spring forth form them. I cannot control others. I cannot expect them to change for me. The world does not revolve around me.
Fundamentally, I think I am selfish and self-centered. Mom used to complain, "you live and let live. You never move an inch more than you have to." Well, that has changed a lot. I am so inspired by God, and I do love people much more. I am willing to step out a lot for the people I love. Pour out a lot.
HOWEVER, I expect a lot too. Inside somethings says, "CHANGE. Why don't YOU change? can't you see this is making it hard for me? Or this hurts me?" People don't change for me. :). God is the only one who changes them. I might berate them for being lazy and unmotivated ["how CAN you just waste time like that. Why can't you work harder?"], or unspiritual ["you don't care about growing in God. So Slow"], or harsh "Why aren't you tactful? You hurt my sensitive feelings". In the end, I think my motivations are selfish: "CHANGE because CHARIS doesn't like it." So I can't get people to change. Stop it Charis! I can't even change myself sometimes. God....your grace....
Well. it's a long hard process. Where do you find the balance of loving yourself and people, yet never letting myself stay complacent in growth? God, you tell me. Sigh.
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