Replying to the tape recorder

My dear friend Jocelyn just blogged about the impact of negative thoughts on our minds here. I've had my own fair share of struggles in this area. But I struggle with negative thoughts regarding my identity and security. Ever since I was a teen, I've been bombarded with thoughts like, "DOES anyone really like you for who you are?" "You're lousy. No one really cares about you","People will only love you for a little while. No one's love can last forever". "You're too much too handle. No one wants to be your friend for long". "You're insignificant",'You're a failure and you don't work hard enough".

It didn't help that I've been involved in friendships and romantic relationships that reinforce these thoughts again and again. Because many didin't last.

It's my struggle up till now. Many times, Ps Lai Ling, Belle and others have prayed to break the negative thoughts, to destroy the root of rejection from operating in my life. I think it's better than it used to be. But it's still a journey.

It's funny that Jos just blogged about this. I had a conversation about my many 'failed' relationships with my mom. Felt like failure all over again. I was wrestling with the voices again: "Look at you, what a great example you are. You've failed so many times.Nobody will love you".

Need to go back to God and get the truth about myself. And also to press on. To forget what is behind. To run towards the prize.

I wrote a song about it once, funnily enough called The Tape Recorder originally. Then I changed it to Voices and Vices. Here are the words:

Verse 1:
Have you ever felt that you were breaking?
Like you were taking too much
Have you ever felt that you had too much on your plate?
You just want to wipe, your slate clean.

Verse 2:
Have you ever felt tormented?
That you were haunted by your past
Have you ever wondered how long this would last?
I just want this torture to end

Chorus:
Oh when people really drive you up the wall
Oh when your heart and mind feels no rest at all
Oh when your spirit too weak, it won’t even crawl

Bridge
Leave me alone you horrible voices
Won’t you quit replaying the tape of my vices

Oh, I’m up the wall now you drove me
Oh, is this the best that I can be
Oh, my spirit is too weak, I can’t even crawl

Outtro:

My God you will never leave or forsake me,

The tide will come in as always.