I'm not really in the mood to blog about Taiwan. In summary, it was full of God-moments and opportunities, and it was amazing to see how God is moving there. The food is excellent. the shopping wonderful. My hosts were so generous and kind. My dad's company really enriching and I learned a lot.
But...yet...
Prophetic words of encouragement have come streaming in right after I returned to Australia. Perhaps God knows how low I am right now. Or how much I am struggling with my next few steps.
I'm struggling to view things with anticipation. If I walk straight ahead, it will be a new beginning. Like the visions describe, the world is my oyster. It's time to take over the world, God's way. Time to expand. Time to be transplanted. God has paved the way. God is holding on to me. Time to jump off the flying fox. Time to let God clear the road. Time to launch ministries and musical careers.
Sounds great.
Except all I can think about is what I'll be losing. 7 years of history...who knows what will happen to it. The earth keeps turning. People change. All the rich friendships and the wide open spaces...the familiarity, the feeling of home. It has taken me years to settle down. I can't believe that I might be leaving again. I faced this possibility for 3 years, but this time, God seems to have orchestrated things so well...Can I not walk ahead?
Another city. Another country. Another church. Another place to live and feel muddled with the culture and transport systems. Another tax system. Another political system.
And a completely Chinese culture. Argh. Can one run away from one's heritage? For some, yes. For me, apparently not. Well, if the Korean missionaries and the Brazilian missionaries can do it, why can't I?
There's an unspeakable feeling of loss and ache in my heart right now. Perhaps it could have been avoided if I had been wiser. But I can't seem to stop looking back, again and again. Reading through old emails throughout the years. Old cards.
I have always ended up saying yes to the call, eventually. I don't know how much more one heart can take though....
Listening to Joanna Wang. Uninspired. Lovely voice...such talent in that voice. But the song writing, production...it's jaded, cynical and depressing. Hmm...
This too shall pass.
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