I must say, taking even mini-steps towards a dream is .... I was going to use the word that got the Aussie Tourism Ad in trouble with the Brits... But I won't. It is just sweat, blood and tears hard. There! That was acceptable surely...
I wonder how people do it with such optimism. And I wonder if anyone can do it without God and without the support of people around them unless they are tough-as-a-bone cholerics who don't feel emotion and who yell 'off with his head' every time they meet an opponent.
Struggling with self-doubt and God-doubt everyday. Doesn't help that Mr James in the Bible says that the double-minded person will not receive anything. I'm so frequently double-minded I don't know how I can receive. Sigh. Always always, the questions and doubts are twisting my stomach into knots.
" Am I just delusional? Is this really worth it?"
"I'm not good enough...I'm not talented enough....I don't sing well enough....I'm not distinctive...I'm too ordinary...Help"
"I don't know my direction. I don't know where and what to do next?"
"I'm too old to start in this industry surely?"
"I'm not Pan- Asian and unique looking. Not thin enough..."
"Not passionate enough. Not disciplined enough. Not fashionable enough."
"Wish I was tech-savvy to the max. Wish I could play everything like John. Wish I could sing like my sister Phoebe. Wish I could sing like Charice Pempegno. Wish I knew how to produce. Wish I could love my music so much I spend every living minute with it."
And yet constantly the Lord assures. He will clear the road. He will provide . He will fight for me like he did for the Israelites when they crossed the Jordan into the Promise Land. Yes, there will be lots of roadblocks, but He will clear the way.
And my parents and family and friends have been absolute trumps in many ways. The support and help I get from you guys is great! Thank you so much.
How many times do I need to be assured of this? That I will not doubt? I don't know. I'm constantly fighting fear. It's darn scary! It's so hard to live with this constant battle. I hate uncertainty yet I can't live with dead set routine.
If you're reading this, please do pray for me and for those who are fighting many inward and outward battles to fulfill a dream and a calling from God.
I'm still fighting. And I can't do this alone.
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