I went to an old friend's wedding today. It was simple. But they were making an irrevocable commitment to belong to each other. To burn as one candle and not as two separate ones.
It's weird. For someone so keen on love and marriage as I was these past few years, I find myself detached and a little frustrated. A few things I've been realising about myself. I'm restless and easily bored. I didn't know how easily bored I was until recently. I can't stand sameness and routine for too long. Makes me uneasy and frustrated. Makes me afraid of marrying someone that I might get tired of in a few years, because I am need that much diversity. I feel uneasy if I see only one race of people milling around. I get uneasy if I do the same thing every week/day. I feel like something is wrong. I don't feel like I can stay in one place for the rest of my days That I need to go somewhere different, meet someone different, eat something different, even experience God differently.
I remember when I had best friends, or I was dating anyone, it would be the best not to see the person everyday. Regularly....but not everyday, or the relationship would die on my side. I'm annoyed and frustrated at this part of myself, but can't really change it.
Yet, contradicting emotions wash over me. Because on one hand, I do want security, stability, a clear identity and roots. But I also want adventure, diversity, and new stimulus. Sigh. You can't have your cake and eat it. More's the pity.
I think I'm deeply trenched into the pathway I'm in - it HAS to be lived out....So how does marriage come into the picture....
I don't know. Only with a miracle.
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