My mom found a little notebook of mine dating way back to the first few years of secondary school. I found this little poem?/emo scrawl of mine. It was sooo emo that I laughed and I decided to put it up on my blog. How it reeked of teenage angst!
Sick
I'm sick of the loneliness that always haunts
I'm sick of anxiously, fearfully watching those around me
Do they really love me?
Does anyone really love you for who you are?
Sick of feeling uncertain
Changes
I hate to see myself change
Inevitable, cruel sometimes
Though you may be beside me now
Will you ever slip away from my grasp?
The next page was a little song...prob just a chorus:
How should I use this for your glory?
How should I use this in your name?
How should I show the world that you came and you gave your life?
Through this gift that you gave me
The most interesting thing is, not A LOT has changed.
It's been 10 years or more. I don't voice things out in such a raw, emo way anymore. I talk about butterflies who die, about phantom pain and splinters. I blog about identity and purpose. I constantly have the questions, "God, are you sure you want me to pursue an influential musical career? How can I do it to bring you glory? What is the difference between ambition and calling? Are both ok? Why is it so complicated?"
I still feel lonely here and there. Still want to be accepted and still long for people who love me, hair in a mess, blackheads, blemishes and all. But there are those people...finally. I still fear uncertainty but the the grip on me has lessened a lot.
Funny how some things don't change a lot.
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