Thanksgiving

I want to praise God while this is still fresh. Today was a good day. May there be more of these days.

These past few months or rather, these 1.5 years have been full of turmoil mentally for me. Emotionally and spiritually, I'm quite at peace that I'm walking in God's will. But there has been so much to absorb and new things to learn that I've been quite mentally stressed. I often struggle from sleepless nights, because I'm too excited or agitated mentally. 

Firstly, there's the alien-ness of the Chinese language. I absorb Chinese so much more slowly compared to English. :(. I have been trying REALLY hard to read Chinese books and articles. I finished a few books these holidays. For those who know me, it is an achievement...I've never really finished more than 1-2 Chinese books in my life. And I get really confused by people in Taiwan. Some readily tell me my accent needs lots of refining and I need lessons. Others tell me I'm fine, that my accent is good. Which is it? Sheeeeez. Never mind, better to practise and refine it to the highest 'local' standard. 

Second is the strangeness of the recording industry. The new things I learn about it often get on my nerves. Like how badly mainstream artists are paid. Like how music is so secondary in the mando-pop scene. I have an almost 'allergic' reaction to some people's perspectives (or rather NON-perspectives) about music. I want to write music and perform. Not spend time thinking about how attractive I should be to sell my product. 

Third, who am I? Is it ok that my life is a melting pot of different experiences in different countries? I'm not one set thing. I hate being categorized, I'm versatile....that is a marketing person's nightmare (I just learnt yesterday that you NEVER say you're versatile to someone who wants to market you). Seems like I can't bear being pinned down at the moment, and it's making life difficult in many aspects. 

But today, some kind and influential people were such blessings. They invited me to join a city wide evangelistic meeting as a vocalist in the worship team. And they invited me to sing at a wedding. And they arranged a meeting with a producer that I've been trying to meet for while to get feedback. All in one day. I need so much help getting myself ready for this career/calling, and these people are really trying their best to help. They have more faith-filled and more realistic viewpoints than I do. To hear them is to be inspired and convicted. It's like, 'Why do you believe in me more than I believe in myself?' Well, basically they believe in God's goodness more than me...I think. It has been a point of struggle.

With such people, I learn it's ok to be myself. It's ok to not know it all at the moment. It's ok to progressing a step at a time. It's ok to be turned off by all the industry people I meet who are not interested in music. It's ok to be serving God yet stepping out to be an influence in the world who so desperately needs the light and courageous examples.

I need to love God...with all of me....so easy to say, so hard to live out day by day. And I need to accept myself as God made me. This is even harder to do sometimes. 

I really don't have answers to many of my questions. But for now, I am content to take things slowly and remember to work as hard as I can everyday to take a new step in improving my musical technique, language, and branding.

This was taken from Jos's blogpost. 

Afterthought taken from writing by Pastor Kong Hee:

Jesus was able to wash the feet of His disciples, taking on the role of a servant, because He loved them (John 13: 1). But also because He was very secure in Himself. He knew what the Father had given to Him, where He came from, and where He was going (John 13: 3). When you are secure in your own self-identity, you can be free to be who you are. You won’t have to struggle and strive to prove anything to anyone - not even to yourself.