I wish I could get rid of this feeling of underlying fear that grips me once in a while. After every high there is an inevitable crash. Or when I wake up, it's really hard to face the day not quite knowing what you should do or what the goal is in the end.
I can picture this trembling kid in my mind, who's quite desperate to cling on to something for safety and comfort. And that kid is me. But the kid's alone. And there's no one to actually to hang on to, and nothing to hug, not even a pillow. But the kid is also wary of clinging on to anything because that might prove disastrous, as it has in the past. You get entangled with unnecessary things or people So, Kid is stuck with just holding nothing. Waiting.
I mean, it's not like God never warned or foretold that this journey would be lonely, I'd be seemingly alone, but He would be with me. I would look like I was wobbly but He would uphold me.
The only time the fear really alleviates is when God's presence is obvious, like at lifegroup, and occasionally at church service; or when I'm playing/ writing/ editing. The rest of them time, it's like an undercurrent I'm trying to avoid, yet to dull my senses with too much Facebook or Youtube is not going to help at all.
I don't want to depend on productiveness to to soothe the fears, but it's taking every ounce of faith and strength to be productive, but not do it out of fear, but rather out of rest and God's favour.
Whether I'm productive or not should not validate me. Whether I'm alone or with lots of people should not validate me. Whether I have a partner like every other person around me now seems to have should not validate me. Whether I 'make it', 'get a deal', or have people help me or not should not validate me. What I look like should not validate me. Being about 5 kilos heavier than most girls here should not bring anxiety. Being called fat often should not crush me.
I must say I look at those who are embarking on new things at least with partners and families besides them and I sigh. How strong do I have to be? I guess I'm already blessed because my family at least supports me from afar morally and to some extent financially. They are not holding me back from anything or guilt-tripping me, and they are understanding.
Oh, the bane of feeling so ordinary....
But God, still, I will wait and work. We will see what happens.
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