Being a Malaysian Chinese

*warning, long post ahead.

Check out this article here. It is a Chinese article with an English translation. It is written with passion and with eloquence (I think anyway) by a Malaysian Chinese studying in Peking University. 

I've struggled with issues of identity all my life. More so than my sisters I think. It's probably part and parcel of being partly melancholic. And also because I was never satisfied to be narrow and one-dimensional. It was difficult to navigate around my little town and circles of friends, trying to fit it with everyone. Examples? 

• The jocks [volleyball team] spoke in Hokkien. They had average grades...or bad ones. They were more uncultured [speech generally peppered with cussing], but full of fun and athletic, physical grace. 
• Jocks definitely didn't fit in with my slender [generally...not always] girl friends from ballet. 
• My nerdy Chinese school academic classmates would never hang out with jocks. Nor with my English speaking, westernized Kebangsaan[national] school friends from Convent School or Kolej. The church youth group circle mainly  consisted of those 'hip', fashionable, sometimes intelligent, rich kids who were English speaking and westernized. They never hung around Chinese school 'nerds'. 
• Having both Chinese-educated and Kebangsaan kids in orchestra created interesting, and tense social situations[yes, I was in Orchestra too. One busy kid]. We got along, for the most part. But there was definitely a pecking order when there were 'westernized' kids around....they liked to pick on the nerds. It was sometimes quite sickening to watch or hear. 
• My relatives of the older generation....Dad's side is Hokkien. Not being fluent in Hokkien till I was well in my teens, it was hard to communicate with them. Mom's side is...HengHua, some obscure dialect...but they speak Cantonese...and Mandarin, fortunately for me. It is easier to get along with them...but there is still a lot to adjust to. What I really freak out about is to sing or perform in front of my rellies, because I doubt we understand each other....have they heard of John Legend, or do they even like Khalil Fong? [I think my cousins are ok. They are on a more compatible page]

Whew... mind-boggling  to keep adjusting to everyone. It felt like being a chameleon. Sometimes you wonder which is really you. It's ALL me. I'm Chinese educated but English speaking. Academic, but active. But maybe it would have been easier just to be one thing. At least you belonged somewhere... It just seemed so narrow to me though...

Fast forward through my childhood and I move to Australia. 

Wow, identity issues increase. I'm now also a Malaysian. A Malaysian Chinese. There is an odd advantage in being Malaysian, that is the ability to communicate in more languages than the average person. But still, we relate to wide circle of people, but do we belong anywhere?

• Anglo-saxon Australians don't really know that much about us [who does?] though there is a big community of Malaysian Chinese there. They have funny ideas about 'Chinese'.
• Church. Lots of nationalities in church. By hanging out with lots of different people from China, I KNOW I won't call myself 'Chinese'. Malaysians are SO different from Chinese. We're even quite different from Singaporeans. 
• Yet, I was so weird I didn't even want to belong to Malaysians...I cringed at being TOO obviously Malaysian, at sounding SO Malaysian, at celebrating Malaysian festivals. I just wanted to belong to the people I talked to, whoever they were. I do possess the ability to adjust my accent to the people I speak to, so it's like I'm always switching.  
• In Hope Oceania conventions I loved running around and getting to know people from ALL the churches...new people. I wanted the WHOLE picture. Just being with my life group was not enough. But it also lessened my sense of truly belonging to something. Can't have your cake and eat it. Eg. Ablaze folk, who seem to have a strongly defined sense of identity. They hung around themselves...mainly...only [unless you were a leader]. You probably see a lot less, but you belong strongly somewhere. 
• And now, I'm out and about again, not satisfied to stay in a niche that was starting to form in Australia. Taiwan. It has a STRONG Chinese culture. Not built to cater for anyone who doesn't know Chinese. I know Chinese but I'm still adjusting. Yet, this time, I cringe. Do I REALLY have to change again? I don't want to be Taiwanese....It's not too bad a country but I don't want to sing Taiwanese, act Taiwanese. I don't want to be too proud not to be open-minded enough to try every good thing their country and culture has to offer. But do I have to be like them for them to accept me as an artiste? 
• But what other platform do I have being a Malaysian Chinese? Would my own country give me a platform for being me? Am I Malaysian enough for my own country? Or perhaps I need to have the courage to carve out a niche like the Asian-American artistes are starting to do for themselves. Hollywood has no room for Asians who are not geishas, slap-stick kids comedians or do kung-fu. So...through Youtube they formed their own world. But I'm not even and ABC/ABK. I'm MC - Malaysian Chinese.      

This fear of being narrow or limited affects me in all aspects. I don't know what niche of music to settle into...because I like so many kinds. I find it hard to concentrate and settle with one church [though I have]. Most people would pick a church and stay there. I've picked Bread of Life church and I don't regret it, but still trying as hard as I can to maintain contact with my other church friends. [Taipei Christians intermingle among the churches a bit more, so they are understanding].

Maybe the pioneers in America would have understood this restlessness? I'm sure many migrants understand some part of this. I hope this will all make sense one day...