So freaking emotional today.
Don't really know what's up [or down]. Though I must say church is great comfort and I'm always happy I'm there for service or life-group. My life group is great...really direct and innocent in some ways....affectionate people.
Maybe it's the de-stress reaction after the last week of intense arranging, practising and recording. I used to get physically sick during uni after exams or stressful events. I'd get keyed up so high and perform very well with the pressure and adrenaline fueling my performance. And then, I'd fall sick. I guess I'm not physically sick now, but emotionally just overwhelmed.
I think I must be kinder to myself some ways, and tougher in some ways. Tougher on my habits. No sleeping too late...not too much internet....more exercise. But kinder on my emotions. Allow myself space to be overwhelmed. Since Adelaide 2003 I've never been very good at giving myself space to get used to new environments. My conscious mind adapts very quickly, but my subconscious and soul take a while to catch up.
I talked to one of the pastors today....Jonathan. He advised me to 'unpack my bags' and settled emotionally, physically and spiritually. He said his mentor told him to do this even when he was traveling and staying 1-2 days in a hotel. Settle and make yourself at home like it was permanent. Don't live out of a suitcase whether it's physical or mental etc. It's hard to hear God and be at peace if you're constantly double-minded and restless. And he prayed for me and prayed for sound sleep. (hmm...how did he know? Duh, of course, God knows of the many slightly disturbed nights I've had, struggling with too many thoughts running through my head). He even said that EVEN if it was a detour, it was ok. Settle, be at peace and hear God's leading. He said, 'We don't know how long you'll be here. But as long as you're here, be at peace. Know that God is with you. Make yourself at home."
Honestly, all this while I thought I wasn't particularly worried. But apparently, much of it was just suppressed by busy-ness. Every time the activity stops I start to panic. "Where's the next destination? What's the next goal? Am I progressing?" I thought I wasn't affected by my drastic move here, but hearing comments from my life-group about how introverted and serious I seemed when I first arrived compared to now seems to point otherwise. I'm loosening up because....well...my Chinese is improving. Taipei is no longer 'VERY STRANGE-VILLE', and ... a few months have passed.
I should learn my own patterns and not be caught unawares. Charis adapts quickly physically and mentally to new people and situations. Her emotions don't catch up till weeks later, so expect some plunges now and then. And CHILL CHARIS! Don't be too worried about what others think. Even just small niggly issues like my landlord thinking I'm unemployed/laidback because I work at home most of the time [arranging on the comp]. And other people thinking I'm "little miss with rich daddy" when I've saved up quite a bit for this venture in OZ land, and when I'm already starting to earn some money here.
Ah...I got it. It's a pride thing. I've always hated people thinking I couldn't do it on my own, looking down on me in anyway. And it's something that I should give up to God.
I'm here because of God and I need to just chill. I need to have faith that what I gave up to come here is less than what I have in front of me, so it will be worth it. I need to relax and enjoy Taiwan a bit more and not zoom straight for the destination which I'm not even 100% sure about anyway.
Truly Abraham did not know where he was going, but he left and went towards the promise land that God said He would show him.
God will guide me forward. God will lead me clearly. God has chosen me specifically to be in this place for such a time as this. So He has said. Amen. So it is written, so it will be done.
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