Disgruntled

I have a TON of work to do but I'm trying to 分析(analyse/make sense of) these crazy disgruntled emotions after this weekend. Enough to make me feel like giving up this whole complicated mess of a career. (Jazz gig went well. I'll post some pictures later. My friends are heaps sweet to come along)

I went to see another gig yesterday night because I had a free ticket. This week has been free gig ticket week. On Thursday, I got free tics to Uri Caine, the jazz pianist. It was pretty good. I'm renewed in my conviction that I prefer the singer-songwriter genre over instrumental jazz, because it's a much more effective means of communication. But instrumental jazz can be breathtaking to watch live. This gig was very enjoyable. 

On Sunday, for Ai Ching and Lian YiHan, Christian singers in Taipei. 回到家就感覺好挫折～So many confused emotions inside of me...the tension of so many different point of views. I think I said too much. I don't know what's been up with that lately - the inclination to voice my opinions. Perhaps, it's been repressed for too long. 

I need to just sift through all of these thoughts or they will stuff up my progress. A few things ran through my head.

1. Chinese people are so 客氣/polite, to the point of being hypocritical. In Chinese Christian musician circles, the 'encouragement' trend is extreme to the point that I wonder if anyone really thinks, or they are just being 'polite'. There seems to be very little constructive criticism going on, or a real push for 'top-form' excellence. And a lot of the criticism I hear is behind each other's backs, not directly to their faces. I find that frustrating and even dishonest. Starting to dislike the 'politeness' and 'encouragement'. Not that we all don't need encouragement. But where is the reality? Where is the 'iron sharpens iron'?
2. Oh, I know how personal it can get when people criticize your music and you. I hate that 'i'm inadequate' feeling myself, but I try to welcome feedback as much as possible. It's even scarier to think that I'd be stuck in this rut when everyone around me knew what I could do to improve, but wouldn't tell me.
3. The perfectionist/analyst in me is screaming more and more. I can't enjoy music gigs to the full now, because I'm always analysing about what the performers can do better, and what I can do at my own shows in the future etc. Can't even chill and relax. Sigh.
4. Lots of tortured feelings inside. I want to be a 'complete' artiste. No need to be spectacular or perfect or monstrously skilled. But 'complete'. A feeling of ...it's all just right....all in place. Artists like Zee Avi, Brooke Fraser, Tanya Chua, Khalil Fong. They aren't geniuses but they sound like they know themselves very well, and they are comfortable there, and they produce something so...completely themselves, and so beautiful. NOTHING I have sounds complete yet. It's an odd undefined mess of non-identity at the moment. And it's FRUSTRATING. I've also heard many artists lately who are NOT complete. Their music is an odd mess. Not without talent, but you can tell their niche is really not certain. And I DON'T WANT TO SOUND LIKE THAT!!!!BUT HOW does one create a very niche and very certain kind of sound?