Charismatic

Just reading Bevere's Victory in the Wilderness . I'm trying to read it slowly and digest it. It's a timely book for me. The wilderness is not a negative time for those who obey the Lord. It's purpose is very positive: to train and prepare us for a new move of the Holy Spirit Later he writes, Furthermore, it is not a place in which we are "put on a shelf" until He desires to use us/ That is not how our Father, how loves us, operates. On the contrary, it is a place and time during which He works mightily. Ah...as long as I will be to believe and have faith in that. So the wilderness is not God's rejection, but His preparation. How does this translate to heart knowledge from the brain?

1. The refining process will continue. 2. God wants to work out some deep issues and tendencies in my life. Doesn't sound very comfortable or fun. I'm a little sick of all this fire and burning and anger and dross coming out of the depths of my heart. Everything looks so ugly.....sometimes.... God....teach me hope.

Last night, Aunty Carol brought up the main point in prayer meeting. I was shocked. Fear...she said. Pray against all kinds of unhealthy fears that hinder us from walking with God properly. I had just been thinking," i seem to be very fearful since the middle of 2007 or so. Many negative forebrodings fill my mine about ministry, about my own character, about marriage, about the music industry...everything". I have never struggled so much with fear before. When I was 17 and 18, I used to be anxious about uncertainty, but it was more of impatience about not knowing the end. This fear is different. It is a gripping "what if, what if". Well, we prayed yesterday. I don't know. I don't think I can say I've overcome. I need to spend some time with Daddy God before I can trully trash this all out.

I'm struggling so very hard with so many questions. So many of these questions I can answer myself.But I cannot believe in something I have no conviction about. Heart knowledge is vital...for me anyway. Is God really going to work for my benefit?I know He is good and all-powerful and loving. Why is He so unpredictable?When willI really see the blazingly miraculous that will not be scoffed at in the postmodern world?The lame walking, the blind seeing, AIDS being healed? Mental diseases and depression falling off people like water off a duck's back!Jesus, can you really set people free instantly?How much faith do I need before you can do it Lord? I really want to see it.Not just a powerless Christianity. Not just a loveless, lifeless, failure - ridden Christianity. Where's your grace, my Lord?Where is the power? What is submission Lord?How much do I need to take before I can disagree without rebelling? And why did my cat die and won't come back to life though I prayed?...

Alor Star is the town that I grew up in if anyone doesn't know. :) Hmm. Many things have happened in the 3 weeks that I've been here. I'm pretty happy and a little sorry that this holiday is coming to an end in a month's time. I always feel like I can stay home forever. It's such a sanctuary for me. Beautiful house. Good food. Lovely family. A chance to pray and refresh my spirit in the Lord without financial worries. I've been keeping up with trying to be a support to my dear junior sister-in-Christ. I have no doubt that God will bring her through in his timing, stronger and a useful vessel for his glory. It takes patience and grace to say or not say the right things at the right time. I've been talking to my senior brother-in-Christ frequently. Conversations with him are always kingdom based and so enlightening. He reads so much, and has had many significant experiences with God. His understanding of the universal body of Christ far surpasses many adult...

I was moved to pray for a sister-in-Christ in the church service and give her some prophetic words of encouragement. When I was hearing her share her troubles, I realised that she sounded so much like me when I was struggling with doubt and depression. When I felt like life was just numb and all I could do was keep on moving. She asked exactly the same questions and threw out similar emotions and complaints of anger, of hurt and of deep pain. Of loneliness and feeling like the odd-one-out. Sometimes of absolute despair. I've moved on from that phase of life. But only just, and I remember it full well. Perhaps my troubles were not exactly like hers, but the experience of the dark tunnel was so similar.I know what it is to have a bleeding heart and to know the frustration of "hey....I feel so lousy. But i can't snap out of it.I know it can be much worse, but I already feel ready to die of the emotional pain" God never fails to use our deepest pains and hardest trials to...

Hi All I have a sore throat. It's annoying. But I always seem to get one due to my constant sneezing[sinus problems] in M'sia. Then it affects my tonsils. And then it affects my throat. I'm allergic to dust, dust mites and humidity aggravates everything. Nevertheless, praise God, I landed a gig yesterday through Dad of all people. It was a function for malaysian engineers. I earned something decent. Now I can pay for my facial products and clothes for new year! I was reading Pat Morely's Man in the Mirror...7 seasons ...something like that. It talked about burnout and recovering...and taking time.... I feel like I experienced a little burn out...just a little bit to get me a bit mopey and unfeeling about things. Just need to take a little time to recover bakc the joy of the Lord and stop rushing ahead like a crazy steamtrain. Happy New Year everyone!