Charismatic

I wish I could get rid of this feeling of underlying fear that grips me once in a while. After every high there is an inevitable crash. Or when I wake up, it's really hard to face the day not quite knowing what you should do or what the goal is in the end.  I can picture this trembling kid in my mind, who's quite desperate to cling on to something for safety and comfort. And that kid is me. But the kid's alone. And there's no one to actually to hang on to, and nothing to hug, not even a pillow. But the kid is also wary of clinging on to anything because that might prove disastrous, as it has in the past. You get entangled with unnecessary things or people So,  Kid is stuck with just holding nothing. Waiting.  I mean, it's not like God never warned or foretold that this journey would be lonely, I'd be seemingly alone, but He would be with me. I would look like I was wobbly but He would uphold me. The only time the fear really alleviates is when God's pres...

Been pretty down lately. It happens when I don't feel productive and the goals are undefined or I feel stuck.  A few words of encouragement came from friends.  Rach prayed for me: Talked about God making a pipeline for me. About the pipeline being extended section by section, and I need to have the patience as God is forming the way I am to go for me. The pipeline is also for His living waters to go through and bless many. It's like a water pipe in the desert, like channeling water to Siberia or the Sahara. No one has gone that way before, and therefore, new pipelines need to be built. And that takes time. And God wants it also to be a road for others in the future. Others can have a map to follow. This confirms the word that Lance gave me 3 years ago about God fashioning me into a Matic. A tool.  A new model that others will model after. I will be formed to dig into hard ground, inside and outside the church. Breaking hard ground, breaking hardened people with the love...

I've been given some career advice lately. Well, all the time actually. Some people have asked me to go up for some singing competitions like Idol [the equivalent in Taiwan is One Million Stars and Super Idol] Today I watched some past episodes of these competition. I was a bit turned off by the dancing episodes. Someone was singing 'Lady Marmalade', and all kinds of stripper moves were pulled off in a half-baked way. I admit, it's a very catchy hit, but DO they know they are singing a song about hookers in Paris? Is there no way to entertain with dancing as a female but to do stripper moves? Well. You can. Sing the World Cup theme 'Waka, waka'. I think they did an excellent job [the dancers]...it was bright, friendly, happy and very energetic. So many subtle choices you have to make if you decide to go for it in such things. I'm feeling quite .... overloaded mentally at the moment.

Listening to: How He Loves Us Mood: So emotional I must be PMS-ey. URG I'm just pessimistically thinking that it sometimes really...isn't that fun to be Oriental or Malaysian. Besides all the wonderful food, there isn't much else that works in my favour at the moment.  Thinking of modern day fairytale stories like Zee Avi's, and feel kinda lost and stuck. It helps that she's dark. White people can then assume you're black. Same thing if you're Indian. At least you're Caucasian. In the entertainment business [English], it helps to be either white or black. Not Oriental. Unless you're a child prodigy violinist...or an orchestral violinist. Whatever....Something like that. Not a singer-songwriter. Urgh. Even Charice Pempegno is darkish....of the same stock as Malays anyway.  And of course, being Malaysian at this stage is so...annoying. I ache when I see all the unjust stuff in the country become more and more apparent because I'm older and I ca...

Listening to: Kingdom Culture - Che Ahn Mood: A little discouraged and perhaps PMS-ey Feeling a little down today. I feel like my habits are a bit out of my own control nowadays...like I sleep at odd times, and wake up at odd times, and my exercise is erratic, and so is my diet. I need to maximise every minute but my schedule seems to be slipping into...'I dunno-ness'. Sigh. I've talked to various people about the appropriate/best path to take to get to where I can get to. And I just end up confused and apprehensive. What sort of steps do I take?  Perhaps part of my 'low' mood is because I've been trying to be software online at the cheapest price and I'm getting no decent replies from the ppl I want to get it from. Been hitting barrier after barrier. Sheez! I'm just trying to buy software. Let me buy it! Or reply! Also, Rubecca and I went to watch Yen-J's concert yesterday. It was a bit of a disappointment. The backing musicians were all very ...

I permed my hair in February. I had always straightened it since I was 17. After the drastic move of cutting off my hair in 2008 [first short bob in 10 years], I decided 2010 was curly-hair time.  But, as my hairdresser warned me, curly hair is high maintenance! This is why I'm comparing it to marriage. Paul said those who get married will have much trouble. I add, those who perm their hair will have much trouble! My hair looks like a bush in the morning. It needs to tamed, blow-dried, smoothed down with much oil, styled etc for it to look decent.  You have to go for mask treatments once a month if you can afford it, and trim it once in 2 months.Most of the time, I put on  a cap to avoid the trouble of all that. Or I bun it up.  Likewise, I guess those who get married and have children have lots of things to deal with each day. Marriage is quite high maintenance. And so are children. 24 hour care needed. Dealing with issues with your spouse, picking up after kids,...

Intriguing and convicting post ....love Donald Miller.